It’s been a while since I had someone earnestly laying on the table so many great pieces of advice, in such a short amount of time, asking for nothing in return.
And by a while, I mean a few years worth of whiles.
I don’t really mean it in an arrogant way. I simply realised that I hadn’t encountered anyone new – apart from the very very few people I still keep close – politely enquire, listen, absorb and then ask the right questions about me to make sure their words add to my experience and my perspective, not try to change it. Going through the logic, without prejudice, that can back up what they say. An offering to attempt to only expand my possibilities, not replace them. And to offer the reassurance on the ones I already had. Without assumptions, expectations or instructions. Without projecting over me what others had attempted to perceived as wasted potential. Adapting with what I say and pivoting softly as they keep learning more about it. See ours faces light up when we begin to understand that there are grounded reasons for the interaction, and there was full intention on things that from the outside might appear a bit untidy or accidental. Fully knowing that there might not be anything to add, but that there is no other way to find out. Help one another figure each other out, because it is somehow worth at least the try. The time. Without friction, or projection or without needing justification.
Curiosity done right. In a couple hours.
A masterpiece of communication that I can archive as an award-worthy movie in my head.
And in doing so, by contrast, gave me quick access to a feeling I can now use as a guide.
A new perspective on a lesson that I had learned, but I hadn’t quite use the way I needed.
My brain has a new warning
Beware of those people that are jumping to tell you how to do things better, WITHOUT having asked a single question (or a decent amount of them) about who you are, what you want, how you feel…
What you are doing and why you are doing it…
Any, mix and match. But please don’t let it be none.
He handed me, in what was a casual meeting in a quiet coffee shop in Finsbury Park Station, a precision tool to fine tune my insight around people going forward.
A way to now trust my intuition without having to interrogate it first.
A boost to my confidence without having to spell a single compliment.
And a much needed side effect of anger when I now look back.
Just by showing in action how powerful earnest advice is, he made me realise how often people have just treated me like a newspaper.
How many times I had poisoned myself by actually listening to people that thrive on reading a headline just to shout out their opinion without ever intending to read the full article.
I simply didn’t want to believe it
Instead, I naively engaged with them based on what they meant to me, for how long I’ve known them or for how close they appear to be. For me, it was a sign of my trust and respect for them. But they saw it as consent to consume me like a background Netflix show.
And all while expecting their words could be considered support or attention.
I never fathomed how simple it was. How that specific subtle action on itself, without further debate, should have always been more than enough to remove that person from my orbit. Or myself from theirs.
I had gone to such lengths before to try to attest people’s intentions towards me, giving ample benefit of doubt, allowing confusion to disguise covert betrayals and forcing on me the unnecessary patience to not prejudge or jump the gun too soon. Instead I made myself always find out for sure before I dare to burn a bridge that took years or months to build, and turns out it was already burning with me in it.
Turns out it’s really not that deep. Or that hard.
It is a perfect rule of thumb that allows you to automatically lower or raise your boundaries, without needing an explanation or clarity of intent.
It’s them closing the door on you, not viceversa.
It’s them wanting the ability to still open it as needed, for how ever long they need, without knocking. To be able to slum it shut just as fast while they make sure you don’t realise there was never a knob on your side of the wall.
Such a simple way to visualise people from now on.
That at the end of the day, no one should allow a door in their mind that leads to nowhere, but lets someone come through as they please. It doesn’t matter who they are.
That my job becomes to redecorate. Plunk it up, brick it up, pour some cement and claim my space back at all costs.
That I have the privilege to do so, when others sadly don’t.
An ouroboros of pain
It’s so foolish for me to use your own lack of trust on even the simplest interactions, to authorise yourself to control, use or prejudge anyone as a cynical pastime. That’s why I never thought so many people would subscribe voluntarily to that type of behaviour. Ironically, it has been the default setting for a lot of the people I’ve met, now I look back.
Fortunately and sadly, it’s only now I’m starting to get a few better examples.
To not embrace the experience of having permission to enter. To not inviting them back into your space as much as you are walking over and inspecting theirs. To not take in the sights, learn the customs, some of their language, their culture, their idiosyncrasies. To be that tourist that hates travelling but keeps doing it for the pictures.
I will gladly let people go as they need, and I will always debate my departure. I am happy owing people something. Basic respect.
Because we all have plenty of room to build new doors to different people. So let’s not waste a good wall. Everything that doesn’t acknowledge and respect that, it’s time wasted.
Or it might just be that deep
Yeah, it all sounds like too much effort or too many headache inducing conversations might be required.
Until you realise that not all languages are spoken and once you learn enough of them, you can communicate a whole lot at once, and almost without thinking. As long as people are authentic and start to fucking listen.
Most of that information exists in the way we interact. That our actions are the main way in which we communicate our capacity, investment and effort on anyone. Not just the words, not the flashy lights or the loud distractions. And that both actions and words count, purely because their alignment becomes the real factor when judging a person.
Effective actions rarely require redundancy, or reiteration.
I’ve realised I kept demanding clarity over things that were perfectly said, just not out loud.
Now I can fully hear people’s thoughts in their silence. And sometimes, ironically, reality slowly mutes them until I hear nothing.
Except those gentle knocks on a door, knowing they will warmly wait for you to welcome them in.
To be a gift just by presence. It never came free so I won’t take it for granted.
So thank you!
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